purehell's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here We Go Again
Cut, Copy, and Paste everything from all my previous entries and just change the date because its the same bullshit, different day. I forgave with the promise of trust in return and AGAIN, it backfired.
It was so hard to forgive the last time, but i did. I never thought i would be able to but
I allowed our families to get close again after she returned from her summer trip. I struggled with it so much. I began going to church after 30 some years and I asked God to come into my heart, to forgive me, and give me the strength to find forgiveness as well. I begged and prayed so hard every day for months, and then i realized, if God could forgive me, then I too should forgive them. I tried to do the right thing by God and I placed trust in Mike and Shauna and prayed for them to take that forgiveness as a new beginning for us all.
I thought everything was fine, aside from some changes in Mike that ive seen. I thought he was going through personal struggles but he couldnt explain each time i asked. Now i know. It all makes so much sense now.
I happened upon Mikes phone this weekend while doing laundry. I dont know why i felt compelled to look at it, because i have been making it a point not to ...I needed to trust. Regardless, i looked. I wish i hadnt. I wish I had kept the blindfold on because the truth is much more than i can handle.
2 text messages that he forgot to delete. I suppose he has become careless ...maybe it was all the trust i gave. Maybe some people just cant be trusted. Maybe he doesnt want me to trust?
One said:
"Going potty.How can i find an excuse to come see you?"
the other one said:
"can you call me?"
I cant even describe the emotions i feel anymore. I think ive been knocked down too many times to feel anything at this point. Im numb. Im sick. Im scared.
Mike said that he thought everything was back to "normal" so he didnt think he needed to let me know that she was contacting him again. Doesn't he realize that THIS is and what has become the "norm"?
I went to shauna's to talk to her about everything. I asked her to go with me for coffee. When i asked her if she has talked to mike she said, "just the other day when i saw the both of you". More Lies, they never stop the lying. Why should i not believe anything is going on when all i get is lie after lie? Well, i let her know that i saw the text msg's she left for him on his cell phone. I also told her that i know she has been calling him again and she basically broke down and started crying about how she needed to know if he knew what was wrong with boris. She cried for 2 hrs and i consoled her because she thinks her marriage is falling apart. We then went shopping. Inside i was dying but for some reason I cant show my emotions in fear of looking like a horrible person. Why am I the horrible one? Why is it that she can turn this around to make me look like the horrible friend if i dont be there for HER when she needs a friend?? She knows this about me and i believe she uses it to her advantage. Later that day i replayed how that went and i realized how familiar that situation turned and decided that im a fucking idiot. Never once did we discuss WHY she thought MY husband could help, or WHY she continued to call him when she knew she promised not to. Well, once again im sure they didnt expect me to find out. Im such a fucking idiot. Yes ...thats what i am.
GAME OVER. ************************************* SCROLL UP AND CLICK ON THE ARCHIVES (IN RED) TO READ NEXT POSTING FOR THIS DIARY - December 18,2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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