purehell's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anxiety Well, my mother was suppose to come for a visit but the ice/snow storm hit us and left her stranded in chicago. Eventually she gave up and flew back home and will try to visit again another time. I really needed and wanted her to be here, and i was looking forward to the vacation i put in for while she was here visiting. I think Mike is relieved, however he says he's sorry and disappointed that she didnt make it. He knows that she is aware of some of our problems and i think he had some reservations about that. Mike knows how much he is loved by my family and i think he's feeling some of the ramifications of letting it be known that he is not the perfect person they all think he is. I dont expect him to be perfect, nor do they expect him to be...but i do think he is embarrassed for some of his actions over the past year. I suppose I probably shouldnt of shared such intimate personal matters with my mother, but i felt as though she had a right to know some of what was going on considering i may have needed her help, should i have left mike. In fact, i tried not to let on that anything was wrong but she could sense something and insisted i promise her that i was okay. I finally broke down and told her that we were having some of the same problems that we had over the summer. I figured she would be here when we would have to attend our first marriage counseling appointment anyway and i might as well warn her. She knew what was going on last summer because i had planned to leave and felt compelled to tell her that i had asked mike for a divorce during one of the many previous episodes of betrayal. She couldnt believe Mike was still talking to Shauna. She really didnt understand why i continued to have shauna and her family in my life after all the damage that had been done, but she also knows how forgiving i am. Most people would of saw it coming, but i suppose being a person that couldnt hurt anyone myself, i just assumed nobody would dare continue to do it over and over again. I suppose if nothing else you would think they would be embarrassed to take the chance of getting caught again. Oh well...if nothing else, ive definitely become wiser. I will not allow Shauna to be in my life anymore, not so much because i dont care about her and her family, but moreso to protect my own family. I wish mike would have done that for us. It didnt have to be like this. Tomorrow we see a marriage counselor. Im nervous and im not sure why. I honestly dont feel like telling anyone my story. I feel too ashamed to admit everything thats happened and i also feel like part of me needs to protect mike. Its kind of like the "i-can-speak-badly-about-my-family-But-you-cant" type of thing. I guess i'll just have to wait and see how it goes. Ive been feeling alot of anxiety lately and wonder if i should find that old prescription of Cymbalta my therapist gave me awhile back. Ive also considered calling my therapist and scheduling an appointment to see her again. I went to her for a short time during the summer and stopped going. I guess i felt like i didnt need it, but also felt like running away because it was so hard for me to share. Sometimes i felt as though she wanted to go places that i wasnt wanting to go and i guess it was just easy for me to slip away unnoticed. Does she wonder what happened to me? I doubt it. My last appointment i called to reschedule and her secretary said she would call me back to set something up....i never heard back from her ...so i just stopped going altogether. I figured she thought i was done and left it at that. Was that a mistake? Did my anxiety go away because i was seeing her? Is that why it has returned? Maybe its because Shauna called this morning and talked to mike briefly? It was a legitimate call....her daughter spent the night and she needed to see if they should come pick her up.
Do therapist get offended when someone stops coming? I hope i havent offended her....that may prevent me from calling her back. Maybe ill wait until i see this marriage counselor. I dont think ill have any 1 on 1 time with her, considering its for couples....but its worth trying. I just signed up to a ACOA online forum, maybe i will learn alot about myself between that and the ACOA big book i received from my friend as a gift. Hell, maybe im just having a bad day. Right??? ********************************** SCROLL UP AND CLICK ON THE ARCHIVES (IN RED) TO READ MORE POSTINGS FOR THIS DIARY 3:23 p.m. - January 15, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||