purehell's Diaryland Diary

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mike called

Well...apparently my appointment to see my therapist is tomorrow. Instead of seeing her i just sat in my car while i thought of my situation. While i was sitting there Mike called. He was crying and begging me to give him another chance. I guess this has been hard on him, and i hate that he's hurting, especially while he's in Iraq. I have to remind myself that i didnt choose this, i didnt plan for him to confess seeing shauna all this time the day before he left. It hurts me so much to hear him hurting..why didnt it hurt him all this time while i was hurting?? Why do i have to hurt him before he finally understands what its like to have your heart ache??

I wanted so much to tell him that everything will be fine, but i honestly dont know if it will be. I no longer trust him and i dont know how long, if ever, it will take to ever have that back again. I told him that it could be a very long time before i ever have that again and he promised me that he'll wait forever and die trying to prove it to me. I told him that it wouldnt be fair to him for me to hold this resentment towards him if we were to stay together and he told me that he will suffer through it because it will be deserved. I hate to hear him say that because nobody deserves that.

I asked mike to give me time. I dont know what i want right now. I know i love him but a part of me hates him too.

He told me that he wont let me leave him..he said that he would follow me wherever i go because he will not let me go. Doesnt he see, he already has.

I kept asking him what he and shauna had together that was so damn important that he would risk everything. He said nothing, he said as far as he was concerned she was dead.

How do i know he's not STILL talking to her? What if she's emailing him from her [email protected] account??

I want so much to believe him this time...i wanted to EVERY time. Why couldnt she respect my wishes and just leave him alone? Im not blaming her soley but she just pushes and pushes for what she wants at the risk of everyone and everything. I know mike was not the one reaching out to her. Mike told me that she always contacted him, even when they would promise they would stop. He said every time it was she who would call him and say things like, "i know im not suppose to call you but..." ...he said gradually she would increase the calls and it would be back to the way it was each time i caught him. I asked him more about their lunches together. He didnt want to talk about it, he just kept saying, "what difference does it make sharyn?" ....i told him it makes a big difference because i deserved to know. He wouldnt say anything. I finally asked him how often they would meet..once a week? twice a week? ....he just kept saying it didnt matter. He just kept promising that all that mattered was that they would never meet or talk again.

Why should i believe this time is any different than the last dozen times?? I asked him that and he just kept pleading with me to let him prove it.

Our time ran out and he had to go. When i got back to the office i had flowers in my office from him again. I know he means well but all the flowers and roses in the world wont give me back what i really need. Trust. ************************************* SCROLL UP AND CLICK ON THE ARCHIVES (IN RED) TO READ MORE POSTINGS FOR THIS DIARY

12:45 p.m. - February 20, 2007

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