purehell's Diaryland Diary

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survival mode

Life is so complicated.
I didnt go to church today. I couldnt sleep at all last night. So many things that run through my mind and these thoughts wont allow me to take a break from it. My pillows are stained with tears and my heart hurts so much i cannot even imagine ever being well again.

I need to figure out how to get better. I cannot live like this or it will kill me.

I think i understand people like boris now. It probably is easier to just pretend the pain isnt there. Maybe it will go away if ignore it? Maybe i need to push it so far back that i cant remember it or feel it, or anything anymore. Maybe that is the only way to survive in this world of confusion and heartache.

I do understand how this all happened. I think that is a lesson i can say i learned from this hell. Unfortunatly, im learning the hard way. My double whammy of heartache coming at me from both angles. I feel like a frayed rope in a tug of war game. Im slowly coming apart and have no idea how to save myself from finally breaking.

Perhaps i need to go into survival mode. I'll lock the whole world out of my heart and then it will be safe from any pain.
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11:16 a.m. - March 11, 2007

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