purehell's Diaryland Diary

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Mike admitted they were having Sex

Okay, i think im finally ready to release some of this tremendous pain that i carry.

Mike called me about a week ago. We only get to talk for 15 minutes at a time while he's deployed oversees. Towards the end of that short conversation i mention to him that i notice he purchased a book from amazon because they sent the confirmation and receipt to our home email address. The book he purchased was a book on affairs. A self help book that helps recover the marriage that has been torn apart by infidelity. I asked him if he's been reading it, he says yes. I asked him if he's learning anything from it, he says yes, alot. I asked him what he was learning? Now honestly, all his talk convincing me that all shauna and he had were lunches and talking and blah blah... so im thinking perhaps he's learning more about emotional affairs and how they are just as painfull as sexual affairs.....maybe he would tell me that he finally understands where im coming from? Nope. He says his time is up and asks me if he can call me right back. So ...saved by the bell i guess.
A minute later Mike calls me back and asks me to please put nikki to bed so that we can talk. I could tell there was more. Another blow was headed my way....im starting to see them coming now. I feel like they are never ending now and my heart immediately begins to pound hard. I can literally feel it hurting as soon as he said those words. I told him to tell me what he needs to say. He began to sob. He tells me that what he learned from the book was that in order for our marriage to be repaired he must be completely honest. Great. I've only heard this a million times now. THIS time he's going to really be honest.

Anyway, Mike admitted that he and shauna have been having a full blown sexual affair for almost 2 years.

I had to sit down because my knees were too weak to hold my body up. I could almost see shauna and mike as if they were right in front of me laughing uncontrollably to my face.
I know what anyone who is reading this is thinking. "of course he was fucking her stupid girl" ....hell, even part of me knew it but for some reason a part of me was hanging on to that tiny shred of hope that maybe all they had was talking and lunches together. He kept insisting thats all they had and even that killed me! I was such a fool to hang onto that hope. "Of course he was fucking her, stupid girl".

I had a million questions for him and he knew he was in for an attack of them that he must answer since he has now decided to be completely honest, "for real this time".

I asked him if he loved her.
No! was the response. He acted offended that i would even ask.

Does she love you?
Yes, she says she is in love with me.
Great. No wonder she's being so ugly to me. I have what she wants.

Does boris know she's in love with you?
No

Where would you fuck that whore?
At her house

Ever at our house?
No, never.

Why at her house and not ours? Weren't you worried that boris would come home?
She said that boris ALWAYS calls her when hes on his way home. She knew he would not come without calling first to warn them

How could you do this to Boris?
I dont know

How could you do this to me?
I dont know. I would always tell her we couldnt but she always persisted. I would tell her not to call me and that we had to stop and she would call again the next day as though we never had that conversation. I would tell her we couldnt talk but she would keep it short..only eventually always progressing.

How many times did you fuck that whore?
no answer

A dozen times, 2 dozen??
I guess.

How would you go about this? You would just drive to her house and hope boris wasnt there?
No, she would call me and tell me to meet her in different parking lots where i would leave my car and get in hers. She would drive to her house.

Did you ever tell her that you loved her?
No, i would never tell her that because i didnt. I didnt and i dont. I love you and i will do whatever it takes to prove that to you. Sex with her meant nothing and i dont understand why i risked everything because i cant even imagine living my life without you and now ive fucked it all up. More sobs....pleading with me to forgive him.

Why should i forgive you Michael?
Because i realize that i cant live my life without you. I will make it up to you and wait forever if i have to until you let me show you that i will never hurt you or our marriage again. I will make you the happiest woman alive and make you proud of me again if you please give me the chance.

You've told me that before michael. What makes this time any different?
I realize now that i cannot be shauna's friend. Every time i told her that i couldnt do that to you anymore i thought that i could still be friendly with her to avoid hurting her, but every time she would talk me into thinking i was unhappy. But i wasnt unhappy. She fed things to me that made me think i was and i gradually gave in to her each time. I realize now that if i lose you i wouldnt be able to live. I dont need her or want her, i need you and love you and only you.

He went on to promise me that he will never communicate again with her. I asked him if he's finally willing to let her go now just because she's moving to another state soon. He told me no and i told him thats what it seemed like to me. He said that he didnt have to tell me at all about the sex, but that he did because he wanted to prove to me that he is going to be completely honest with me from now on, even if it means having to risk everything. He pleaded with me not to punish him with it, that it was so hard for him to do knowing that i could very well flip out and leave forever. He struggled with it but this book taught him that we cannot heal and make this marriage stronger without being completely honest.
He said he wants to do that more than anything and was willing to do whatever the book suggested he must do in order to get that.
He also said that if he was only doing it because she was moving, he would of waited until august when she moves. He said he didnt want to tell me while he was deployed, that he much rather have told me when he returned but that he knew he needed to start being completely honest immediately so that the healing can begin. If i was willing to give him that chance.

Such heartache and pain this man has caused me. I honestly dont know if i can heal from this. The pain is too intense and all i can see are images of him and her no matter how hard i try to push them aside.

I told him that i couldnt make a decision yet. We are definitely seperating still and he will not live in this home when he returns. I told him it may take years before i know whether or not i can accept this and move forward. He said he will wait forever.

We'll see i guess.

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9:16 p.m. - April 12, 2007

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