purehell's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- p.s. explanation Ok, so someone reacted to my p.s. posting on yesterday's entry and wanted to know more about that. Basically, for the past 2 years i have kept this secret of mike's infidelity from his family, out of respect for him. I felt like that was not my place to share something so personal. Part of me wondered what he would tell them if we ended up divorced, but it was still a matter for him to deal with regardless. However, this past Mothers Day his mother called me. I've done my best to avoid her calls over the past two years in fear of giving my sadness away. I have done my best to act as though everything is fine each time she has asked. I suppose i have been fortunate in the fact that she doesnt call often at all. In fact, this was the second call from her in the past 6months...so its not as if we talk weekly or anything. This last time she called she kept telling me that she wants us to come visit her when mike returns, or she will come visit us when he returns. I kept ignoring her request for a visit, in hopes we could just change the subject and move on. She had a few margarita's in her though and kept asking, or bringing it up. I didnt know what to say, so i said nothing. I certainly wasnt going to commit to a visit when i know its not a good time. Eventually she put Aunt Mimi on the phone. I love Aunt Mimi and have always felt a connection with her. I was releived the phone was being passed, but only for a moment....because sure enough Mimi started in with the same thing. She wanted to know if they could come for a visit after Mike returned. I just started bawling like a baby. I couldnt get away from their idea and plan of a visit. She asked me what was wrong and i finally just told her that they couldnt come for a visit. I told her that it wasnt a good time for us. She asked me why not? I told her that i didnt want Kathy (mikes mom) to know...but that Mike and I were no longer living together. I told her that we were seperated and if they came to visit that we would have to pretend everything was fine, but in fact it was not. She kept asking me to tell her what happened, so i did. I didnt give too many details, but I did tell her that Mike had been having a 2 yr affair with my best friend. She asked me who that was and i told her Shauna. She said she had heard about Shauna and she just kept telling me how sorry she was. She promised she wouldnt tell Kathy, but that she would try and thwart their plans to come for a visit to avoid embarrassment. The next day i received an email from Mimi. She said she was so sorry, but she told Kathy everything. She said she felt she had no choice, that Kathy knew something was wrong and insisted she tell her what she knew. Kathy thought it was something about the tumor the doctor found on my liver and Mimi didnt think it fair to allow her to think that. She said she was so sorry but felt she had no choice. From that day on my telephone rang each day with messages from Kathy, crying into the answering machine. She's been a mess and needed to talk to me. I didnt want to talk to her...not because i didnt want to, but because i feel like it should be a conversation between her and MIKE, not me. One day, recently, i was in the garage and Alyssa came up to me and handed me the phone. It was Kathy (MIL). She was crying and asked me to please tell her what happened. We talked for a long time, we both cried a lot and she told me that she was so mad at mike. She said that everyone knew i was the light of his life and she just couldnt believe he would risk our marriage for shauna. She did say that Shauna seemed to be the type of person to control everything, and although she didnt want to take the blame from michael, she did feel like it was shauna's doing. We both admitted how shy mike is and knew he would never pursue shauna....i know and i do believe it was shauna who pursued him. Kathy told me that while she was here visiting that she thought it odd that shauna always had to touch him as she walked by, and that she sees it so clearly now. She says the same things my mother says....shauna is evil. Kathy wishes she never sent shauna a gift. I told her how much it killed me to see the willow tree angel on her mantle because i knew in my heart shauna probably thought it represented her and mike.....kathy cried. She said she felt horrible for sending that to her. I explained to her that she didnt know and did nothing wrong. Kathy cried a lot. She said that I belong in the family and she cant bear to lose me. I told her how sorry i was. I told her that I didnt know what would happen but that the seperation was necessary. She said she understands. I also told her that if Mike reaches out to Shauna again, or communicates with her even one more time, that i will have no choice but to leave the marriage. She just cried and cried and said she will continue to pray for us. She and I both agree that Mike is not being himself. Maybe he just doesnt love me anymore. Why cant he just tell me that instead of leaving me to suffer and constantly question it?? 9:32 a.m. - May 30, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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