purehell's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- getting nervous I find as the time draws closer to Mike's homecoming i am filled with anxiety. Im glad he's coming back home, but im not glad too. If that makes sense. I guess I realize when mike comes home he will be easily accessible to THE BITCH. I definitely dont trust her, and im not sure that i trust him either. I dont trust either of them and i realize that depending on what happens when he gets home will depend on MY future. It seems so unfair for someone else to be in control of my destiny. Ok, so ultimately Im in control of my destiny, but i know in my heart that if i find out they have been communicating, or if they continue to when he gets home...im done. The thought of that freezes my heart. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that i will be done with this marriage. I hope he realizes how serious i am this time. In fact, even if he doesnt talk to her ever again, im still not sure this marriage can be saved. Its scary to think about but i know in my heart i will not allow him back into my home and heart again until my pain goes away. It could be a very long time. He told me that he would wait forever, well....we'll see if he really means it. He says so many things that he doesnt mean, i just never know anymore how sincere he is. I do know that if he gets tired of waiting that i will have to live with that. I refuse to shove my pain aside simply because he wants to move forward. I tried to move forward each time i forgave them and instead it took me backwards. He tells me that he's going to make me the happiest woman in the world. The only way he can do that is if he can find some magical way of erasing the pain. I wish him luck. I see the marriage counselor tomorrow. I think it will be my last appointment before Mike comes home. Mike will continue to go once he's back. I guess tomorrow i will go over the seperation with her one last time to make sure i understand the "rules". From what i understand, Mike and I are not to communicate at all unless it involves the children, we were suppose to only see each other at marriage counseling.....but now mike has asked me if he can go to church with us and bible study. I told him yes, but i havent actually cleared that with our counselor yet. I cant exactly tell him no, especially if it will help us. Now the thing that bothers me though is that Shauna goes to this church too. Each and every time i caught them and they promised not to talk anymore, I would forgive and then they had the audacity to sit beside each other...all while they were still lovers. So naturally i cant help but wonder if he wants to go to church just to see her. Its a sticky situation. I'll talk to my therapist about it and see what she suggests. Personally, i think its nervy of Shauna to continue to go to my church. She only started going there because we went there. Maybe ill change churches. Or maybe i wont go at all until she moves, which i believe is August 1st. Thank God. Anyway, 2 more weeks and mike comes home. Im very nervous and scared. I have been doing such a good job holding all my anger and pain in when im on the phone with him, which had been suggested by my counselor because she didnt think it be healthy for him while he was in Iraq. (which still blows my mind because he is the one who chose to tell me everything while he was over there) Anyway, im scared of how ill feel when i see him. He doesnt understand that i cry daily and i hate him daily. If i act peachy, he thinks all is peachy. Well, i cant act peachy all the time because im not. Friends ask me how long we'll be seperated. I have no idea. Ive tried to come up with some sort of guideline to help me decide. I think when i can go one full week without thinking of him and shauna and what they have done to me, and without crying at all, that may be the first sign of healing. We'll see. So far i cant even imagine that day, i soooooooooo want to see that day. I cleaned my closet out today. I had some of my things in Mikes closet so i went in there to move them back over to mine. I was sick as i saw the things she had given him. He asked me once if i would go through his closet and burn everything...but i never did. I wish i had now because it was sickening to be reminded of her. Mike said he will burn it all when he gets home. Id much rather watch him do it. He refers to her as "THE BITCH" now. I know he's just doing that for my benefit, but it does feel good. Now IF he's still talking to her, then i'll realize that all of his ways of trying to make me feel better are all just other ways to make me the damn fool again. We'll see i guess. One more time.......One more call, conversation, meeting, glance, whatever......One more and im gone forever. 7:37 p.m. - June 03, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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