purehell's Diaryland Diary

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Our week apart

Well, Mike has been home one week now. We have spent much more time together than our counselor suggested. She is away for the next 2 weeks and isnt here to enforce the rules or keep me strong. I imagine she will think im weak when we see her after she returns. I guess ill deal with her when we see her next.

Its hard.

We've been spending time together as a family, its not as if im spending time with him alone. Our counselor suggested that Mike see what its like not to have me at all in his life but here i am......there for him. I cant help it. Its just as much for me too. I realize the importance of her plan, she wants him to know that he has a choice, me or shauna....but she also wants him to know that he cant have us both. I dont think he has been communicating with her though. Am i being a fool again??
Time will tell i suppose.
I should be stronger, just in case. I realize this but part of me also realizes that if he wants to be with me, and i want to be with him....then why not? At least i know as long as he is with me and the girls he CANT be with shauna. Right??

Im probably being a fool again. Huh?

*sighs*

Anyway, he showed me his apartment. Its nice and cozy. I think he'll be fine there. He also gave me a key to the apartment and told me that i can walk in, unannounced, at any time. He said i have nothing to worry about and if i pop in and just open the door, i will find nobody with him. That made me feel so good. I havent done it yet, but i have considered it. He hasnt really given me reason to believe he would be with anyone because the fact of the matter is that he's been spending as much time as possible with the girls and I.

Nikki seems to have accepted the fact that he doesnt sleep here at the house. She hasnt mentioned it anyway. I guess as long as he seems to be here when she goes to bed, she doesnt think about it in the morning so much because im rushing her to get ready so i can go to work. Im glad she's doing well, i was really worried about her.

Tomorrow Mike will be spending time with the girls alone....im going out with girlfriends. I think he plans on spending most of the day at the house while im at work too. He's been trying to take care of a lot of things around the house and since he has off i see no point in making him stay in his little apartment with nothing to do. I dont mind him being at the house, but i would mind it if he is talking to shauna.

We have had some talks since he's been home. I do think he's sincerely sorry. He has broken down several times now and he is either a really good actor, or he is genuinely sorry for all the pain he has caused. He tells me that he is sick at what he has done and that he has no desire to see shauna or speak to her ever again. He told me that he doesnt understand how he could do this to me. He says he loves me so much and none of it makes sense to him now that he looks back on it. He says he doesnt understand what he was thinking. I think he resents shauna for a lot of this, although he takes responsibility for his actions too. I realize how manipulating she is, but he is a big boy and he caved each time she threw herself at him.

The only difference between them is that he is truly genuinely sorry.......and well, she isnt.
I dont know how she sleeps at night.

Mike plans on talking to boris when he comes home next week. I dont know how that will go, but Mike is sorry and knows he must make ammends and ask for boris to forgive him. I know Mike is afraid to approach him because he's not sure if boris wants to talk about it but he feels he should at least make the attempt and let him know that he's sorry for sleeping with his wife for the past year and a half. If he didnt, he would only appear as though he's not...just like shauna. Mike is better than that and will sacrifice himself to give at least that much to boris. Its the least he can do.
Will it take some of the pain away? Is boris even in any pain? I cant answer that. Sometimes i feel like if shauna were sorry it would help me, but after getting her hate letter, i realize she's not and thats ok. Im learning to get over that.
I think its easier for her to point fingers at me and justify her affair with mike. If she says she has no respect for me and thats how she is able to hurt me over and over again, then she has some serious issues. Does she disrespect boris too? Does she justify her affair with Mike because she disrespects both of us?

I still cant help but laugh when i replay her words in her letter to me. Is she so sick in her mind that she can honestly say she has no respect for me when she is the one who betrayed me, boris, her children, my children...??? For almost 2 years?

Serious issues.

My main concern is what happens to Mike and I now at this point. I cant worry about shauna and her psychiatric problems.

For now Mike and I will visit one another and live apart. I have no clue if and when we can progress to anything more than that. I need to heal. My biggest fear is not knowing whether or not i can. I want to so bad but its there. It wont go away.

10:53 p.m. - June 27, 2007

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