purehell's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- October 10, 2007 October 10,2007
Am i foolish for forgiving so easily again? I have tried very hard not to let my love for him blind me from being stupid. Mike has moved back into the house, in fact i caved almost immediately. He wasnt gone for more than a month but i asked him to come back because i truly wanted him home. I love him. Its that simple. Since he has been home things have been good. I say good and not "great" because i still struggle with thoughts that haunt me. I do believe Mike is sorry for the pain he has brought to our marriage, and i do still see the sincerity in that sorrow on a regular basis, which honestly keeps me going. If i had thought for a moment that he wasnt i wouldnt have the strength to try and make this work. The thoughts and pain i still have do not come from anything he is or isnt doing now...its all stemming from what has already been done. Why cant i let it go? Why does this pain continue to torture me and how long will it last? How come some days i can deal, and other days i am crippled by it? When will i get better?? I need to know and i pray every day for some relief because i so desperately desire it. My counselor thinks i have post traumatic stress syndrome. I dont know what the hell im going through, i just want it to go away. I do think Mike is making every effort to form a closer marriage though and i do have to give him credit where it is due. I think if anything, HE is the one trying harder than I now. Im not sure why. Some days i do try too...but i still have moments of insecurity and feel myself putting a little box around me and my heart. I suppose its for protection, im not sure. We get along well....we are much closer than we ever were before...which is important, but i still struggle with some things and do my best to hold them inside. I do believe he senses it at times because he will ask me if im okay, or if i still love him. I assure him that i do very much so, which is the truth....but i struggle with some things and think it will just take some time to fully recover from his affair with shauna. 10:52 a.m. - October 10, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||