purehell's Diaryland Diary

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October 10, 2007

October 10,2007


I havent written in awhile. I have chosen not to because Im afraid to. Im afraid if i admit that i have forgiven mike AGAIN that it will only come back to bite me later, like it has each time. I suppose im also embarrassed. Embarrassed to admit that i love this man so much that im willing to play the part of the fool for him.

Am i foolish for forgiving so easily again? I have tried very hard not to let my love for him blind me from being stupid.

Mike has moved back into the house, in fact i caved almost immediately. He wasnt gone for more than a month but i asked him to come back because i truly wanted him home. I love him. Its that simple.

Since he has been home things have been good. I say good and not "great" because i still struggle with thoughts that haunt me. I do believe Mike is sorry for the pain he has brought to our marriage, and i do still see the sincerity in that sorrow on a regular basis, which honestly keeps me going. If i had thought for a moment that he wasnt i wouldnt have the strength to try and make this work.

The thoughts and pain i still have do not come from anything he is or isnt doing now...its all stemming from what has already been done. Why cant i let it go? Why does this pain continue to torture me and how long will it last? How come some days i can deal, and other days i am crippled by it? When will i get better?? I need to know and i pray every day for some relief because i so desperately desire it.

My counselor thinks i have post traumatic stress syndrome. I dont know what the hell im going through, i just want it to go away.

I do think Mike is making every effort to form a closer marriage though and i do have to give him credit where it is due. I think if anything, HE is the one trying harder than I now. Im not sure why. Some days i do try too...but i still have moments of insecurity and feel myself putting a little box around me and my heart. I suppose its for protection, im not sure. We get along well....we are much closer than we ever were before...which is important, but i still struggle with some things and do my best to hold them inside. I do believe he senses it at times because he will ask me if im okay, or if i still love him. I assure him that i do very much so, which is the truth....but i struggle with some things and think it will just take some time to fully recover from his affair with shauna.

For example, this morning i woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee. As i was sitting at the computer checking out my myspace, i realized the mug i was using was just another reminder of him and shauna. It was a mug that was taken from the cabin we all stayed at when we all went on a family vacation together. It was the vacation that began their affair. The mug was cute and i fell in love with it ....and shauna "stole" it for me from the cabin and insisted it was a keepsake from the vacation and i should have it. It has a picture of two porcupines stacked on top of one another and it says, "lets stick together". This morning as i drank my coffee i was once again reminded of THEM. I wanted to throw the mug against the wall and smash it into a million pieces, but i didnt. Instead i found myself looking at her myspace. Alot of things remind me daily of their affair. The dinner table where i have to sit around and share my day with my children is a reminder of them. I clearly remember the two of them having sex on it, and my sofa....i still see the two of them sitting on it cuddled together while im in the kitchen cooking them a meal, or my bed...which i know they have shared. Constant reminders are all through my house. I've had to destroy vacation pictures and memories that i would have liked to have had fond memories of... but they took that from me. Pain and anger welt up inside of me. I want to cry sometimes, but i dont. I feel like im not allowed to. I feel like i have to push these feelings aside so that i can move forward and get passed the pain. I cant though. If it will go away then i am sure Mike and I will live happily ever after. I guess thats what im sticking around for. Im waiting for the pain to go away and i pray every single day that it comes soon.

10:52 a.m. - October 10, 2007

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