purehell's Diaryland Diary

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Calling Card

Ok, i wasnt completely honest in yesterday's entry.

Something IS bothering me. I didnt want to write about it because i dont want anyone to convince me that he is cheating still. Im trying to be fair to him in case i just have a case of paranoia, or perhaps someone might suggest im in denial...AGAIN. Either way, im not ready to face that idea.

I found a calling card in Mike's wallet.

Does it mean anything? I honestly dont know.
He said the airforce gave it to him last deployment, which i know that they have done in the past. It very well could be the truth. It was used though...so who has he called with that calling card? He doesnt need a calling card. He agreed with me and ripped it up. What he doesnt know is that i called the member service to find out the balance on the card to see how many remaining minutes were left on the card. Now why did i do this? Obviously i still do not trust him. I dont know what to think. Im so confused and im feeling major anxiety at the thought he may be talking to her still. Would he do that to me?? Could he??

Well, i'd like to think not but i only have previous deception to go by.

I just dont know what to think anymore.
I know i cant live like this.

I wish i had never mentioned the calling card to him. I wish i could have checked the balance again another time to see if he was currently "actively" using it. Now its torn to shreds and IF he were talking to her he will just replace the card and keep that one at work.

I was not a very good detective.
I dont want to be a detective at all.
I want freedom and peace from this hell.

When?

I dont know if this marriage will survive if I cant find the peace that i need.

Im trying, i swear to God i am.

A friend told me to leave it to God. Give this up to Him. He promised me that God will reveal the truth.

...and then i find the calling card.

What am i suppose to think??

p.s.
it wasnt just the calling card. There was an incoming call from washington, where her parents are from, on his cell phone. There were other out of state calls too, which could have been placed by someone using a calling card. He also received a call from someone asking him who he was because his number was on their caller id.

Mike did just get a new phone number (i had it changed) and he has been getting a lot of "wrong number" calls....so it could be innocent.

But here's the thing.

I dont trust him.

I NEED to trust him again or this will never work.

Lord, i give this all to you. Show me and reveal what i need to know so that i can heal from the pain and stop this suffering. If Mike is being honest now, please show me so that he too can be free from this and we can begin to rebuild our marriage and restore our hearts. I pray and seek your will and trust in you to guide me in the right direction. In Jesus name, Amen.

2:14 p.m. - October 11, 2007

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