purehell's Diaryland Diary


i want to heal but i dont know how

October 31, 2007

Im thinking about going away for awhile. Where? I have no clue. When? who knows...its never convenient. How long? I honestly dont know.
WHY?? Because im very sick. Emotionally and mentally im going insane.

I continue to think of mike and shauna all through the day and i realize its very unhealthy for me. I cant help it. I replay things in my head and it is slowly killing me. I cant help but wonder if this is my hearts way of telling me that they are still talking. I know he says they arent, but c'mon...that just doesnt work anymore for me. I've heard that too many times. How can he prove it? He cant. I wish he could.

The fact that i no longer have trust for this man is going to destroy anything beautiful we ever had. I want so much to have it back, but clearly i dont. Will it come back? How? How can i begin to trust him if i still feel in my heart they are communicating? What if they are still talking and giggling at the fact that im such a fool? Again?? And what if he isnt? Will I always feel like he is and be haunted by all the previous lies?

Im so mad at him for this. I want so much to have what we had back. I know he wants that too, i can tell.

Why did he risk that all?? For what??
I just dont understand and now i worry so much that its too late. We can and will never have what we once had. It will never be the same again.

Why didnt he end the affair the first time i asked him to stop?? Why did he continue to betray me over and over again knowing each time it was killing me? Did at any point he realize i would finally have enough??

Some people say it can be better. I hang on to that belief because i so much want to have the hope that the idea brings with it. As long as i am haunted by these memories and visions of them together im afraid it will be impossible.

I feel like i need some time alone. I considered asking him for a seperation again while i clear my head but i still wont be able to with all that i have on my plate. I think if i just disappear and spend some time with the Lord and by myself i might be able to see things more clearly.

When im with Mike, i so desperately want to hold him and love him and never let go, but when we are apart i am constantly questioning what he's doing, who hes talking to, what they are talking about...and then i begin to start imagining them together and replaying things that have taken place, and things that maybe happened....and things that could possibly happen. Its absolutely crazy how my mind starts racing with all these different possibilities. I need to escape from this hell. I need to get better and i dont know how. I just want to go away and lock myself in a dark room somewhere and stay there until I know what it is im suppose to do.

10:27 a.m. - October 31, 2007


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