purehell's Diaryland Diary


Mind Games

I woke up this morning hurting. I cant even escape this pain when i sleep because i find myself dreaming of them. I wish so much that they knew the pain they cause me.

Im at work right now staring at roses that were sent to me and wonder if Mike is deliberately trying to chase me away. He sent the roses, but under false impression. Last week in the midst of our silence and heartache I got a delivery. 12 long stem red and white roses. The card that accompanied them read, " You are a beautiful, charming woman. Thank you for coming into my life. -A Friend."

Of course i was confused by this because i dont know anyone that would send me roses, other than my husband - but the card was signed "a friend" ...i dont have a friend that would send me roses that would feel couldnt sign their name claiming themselves as the giver of such a sweet gift. I sat and wondered who the hell would send them. Apparently this person didnt want me to know who they were, or perhaps they didnt want everyone else to know who they were ..? I couldnt think of a single person who would do this so i called Mike and asked him if he sent me roses. He was slow to respond and asked, "why would you think that??" ...ok, at this point i feel like an idiot because i didnt want to hurt him with the idea that someone sent me flowers, but really....who else could have, or would have? Nobody that i could think of. I told him that he was the only person that entered my mind because any friend of mine would of signed their name. Eventually he said, "yes, i sent them". whoa. Major confusion raced through my mind. I thanked him but wondered why he would of sent them anonymously. He said he was trying to be mysterious and had intended to send me flowers 2 more times and eventually signing his name to them on the last delivery. I still dont understand though because deep down i think he had other intentions. Mike would never do anything like this, but if he did....why, when we were fighting, would he choose to be romantic-mysterious guy? and why would he make it appear as though someone who sent them was someone recently new in my life? and why would he sign it "a friend"? why not a simple "i love you" on the card? I know why....even if he wont admit it, i feel Mike was trying to play a mind game with me. I think mike wanted me to get the flowers and wonder who they were from but never expected me to mention them to him so that on that third delivery he could play me for the fool again and then point his finger at ME and tell me that i was hiding something from him. I truly believe this, and for the life of me i cant understand why he would do this to me. Have i not been through enough?? Does he not see that im about to lose my sanity over all of the games and secrets?? Is he intentionally trying to do this?? Does he not just have the balls to tell me that he doesnt love me anymore?

Am I over reacting?
Am I losing my mind?

I dont know anymore, and im tired of this shit consuming all of my thoughts. I honestly dont know that this damage can ever be repaired. I dont think i will ever trust Mike again and that scares the hell out of me. I want so much to trust again. If he truly loves me, would it have gone this far? Wouldnt he have been more honest with me knowing thats what i needed to regain that trust? Wouldnt he have slammed the phone down on shauna and insisted she never call again? Wouldnt he have told me immediately that she continues to break their promise? Wouldnt He have kept the promise??

He told me that he signed us up for marriage counseling, did he do that to shut me up? Does he really think this can be repaired? I hope it can be, but i have a feeling it cant. I want so much to believe otherwise but i cant live like this. I cannot spend my days and nights wondering what i dont know.

He told me that the marriage counselor would call him to schedule. When i asked him about it he said they still havent called. I suggested that he call them back but i will be surprised if he does. In fact, I will be surprised if he ever follows through at all on that because as long as i act like everything is fine, he will assume it is. Maybe thats my fault. Maybe im just suppose to be a bitch to him and to her for them to finally "get it". Is that what i have to do? Resort to causing them pain for them to understand mine??
God, i hope not.

10:46 a.m. - December 28, 2006


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