purehell's Diaryland Diary

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My Hell

APRIL 11, 2006

Alot going on in my life so i thought i would log my
thoughts down in hope to work out the anger and hurt as
some sort of therapy for me before i go insane.

Just some info to catch myself up on why im going crazy:

valentines day Feb 14
spoke to mike. Noticed shauna called him on valentines day
and i mentioned that it bothered me that she would call
while im at work on his cell phone.

on or around march 26, 2006

spoke to mike
noticed from the way shauna spoke about different things
that they have been having some phone conversations still.
I talked to mike about the way i was feeling regarding
that, as well as the way they were hanging all over each
other. I was very upset and expressed it to him. I told
him that if he couldnt tell her to leave him alone, that i
would.
Later that day after work i told him that i was sorry and i didnt want to
cause trouble...and i wouldnt say anything to her to avoid
tension between all of us. Mike said that he already
talked to her about it and shes sorry and she will stop
calling and stop hanging on him as much.

The next day Shauna came upstairs to my bedroom
to "talk".....at that time she apologized for her behavior
and assured me that she didnt mean to hurt me. She said
she would stop. I told her that it hurt me a lot to see
them acting like boyfriend and girlfriend and that it was
just too much. I explained to her that when i see her
hanging all over him it effects my feelings for him, that i
dont want to be close with him physically because i cant get
passed the two of them acting like they do. She promised
it would stop and told me that she was being a bad friend
by doing that and wouldnt continue.

April 1

Spent the night at shauna's because olivia and nikki fell
asleep there. While there shauna asked if she could just
lay next to mike and "cuddle". Like an idiot...i just watch her proceed to lay next to him.
He was laying on a pallet on
her living room floor where we were suppose to sleep. I got up and walked away to another room, disgusted at him for treating me with such disrespect.
After some time i felt stupid and wanted to go to sleep so
i finally listened by the door to see if they
were "busy" .....they were. I didnt want to interupt, but
i was also so hurt and mad that i am always so worried
about coming across mean. I couldnt handle hearing them be
together sexually anymore so i finally announced myself and
asked if i could come in. I then apologized for
interupting (like an idiot) and asked if i could please go
to sleep. Shauna immediately left and went to her own
room. I was so hurt and felt so ugly as i lay down next to mike to find
she had left her pants behind.

April 3

Couldnt concentrate on anything except my husband and
shauna. I finally decide to look on sprint to see the
calls mike had received and made. Sprint only shows
outgoing calls. Looks like they are still talking. Im
crushed. I didnt have time to look at them all because
mike walked downstairs while i was looking. Again, im an
idiot...always afraid to make waves.
I couldnt take it any longer and i said something. I told
him i was looking up something else on our account and saw
his calls to her. I yelled and cried and told him that i
cant live like this. I had asked him before on 2 other
occassions to stop talking to her on the phone. He
promised he wouldnt. He said he was sorry and that he will
tell her to stop. (again.)
I dont know what to think anymore. I dont understand what
to do. i consume every thought and moment on this now and
im so afraid, hurt, mad, etc. I cant work or sleep because
im constantly wondering why and what else is going on that
i dont know? He told me over and over again they havent
been talking on the phone. Would they continue as though
im not going to find out?
i told mike i will NOT have this conversation with him
again. I will NOT ask him a 4th time to stop. Next time i
will ask him to leave.
Why would he do this? Why would She??
My two best friends.

monday april 3

While at work i find myself looking at the calls mike made
to shauna again......and again...and again. I finally
print it out and hilight all of his calls to her because i
still cant believe it. I want so much to cry but know that
i cant while at work. I want so much to leave but we're
short handed. I want so much to call shauna and scream at
her like i should of already done. Like anyone else would
have done by now.
Instead i find myself punching her number into the sprint
website. I guess at her password and i guess correctly.
Now im so desperate to know what else they've been hiding
that i find myself doing something i would never do. Now
im in HER account and i cant help but stare in shock and
pain at all the calls she has made to MY husband. Its a
million times worse than i thought. I want to die. I cant
even see all of the calls because they become one big blur
on the screen as i fight to hold my tears in. I hit the
print button and leave my office to smoke. I quit smoking
3 months ago and now i dont give a shit. Right now im
thankful im just resorting to a cigarette and not a gun.

I hilight all the calls she has made to MY husband. Its
disgusting. There are so many calls the paper might as
well be yellow instead of white now. I just want to die.
I cant believe they talk this much. Calls made all
throughout the day while im at work. They cease on the
weekends.....what a surprise. They must of gone crazy not
being able to talk on those days while the wife is home.

When i confronted mike about the calls he made to her this
morning....he said she just calls to say goodmorning to
him. He failed to mention that she calls all day long and
that they talk for long periods of time. When i asked what
they talk about he said that he just needs someone to talk
to sometimes. What the hell am i ??? I told him that ill
find myself someone to talk to too if its acceptable now in
our marriage. I also mentioned the other night when
they "cuddled" that i knew they were sexual. At first he
said that NOTHING happened. Why does he think im a
idiot?? He finally admitted that some things happened, but
he was just ....get this......"passing time".

april 10 2006

logged on to shauna's sprint again. I had to wait for her
new months detailed billing to show up. Our new billing
wont show until a few more days according to our billing
cycle.

YUP......they have talked. Im repulsed now. They have
actually talked even AFTER mike and i had our last big
fight. Apparently now she just calls the house and his
work. ive never even called him at work out of respect for
his job. Apparently she is relentless and doesnt give a
shit about me or his marriage or job. I cant wait to see
if he's called her as well once we get our new billing. I
guess now i have to make a choice.

I cant believe i bought her a mug and a bathrobe today. I
guess she just probably thinks im such a stupid shit.

apparently i am.

we have to go there for dinner tonite. i suppose ill give
her the damn robe then. Arent i sweet.

April 11

well im sitting here at work exhausted and worn out from
another sleepless night. Last night we had dinner at
shauna's. I was trying to be cordial but pent up hurt and
anger showed from time to time, im sure. It got worse when
she talked about our trip to san antonio. She mentioned
leaving her grocery list on my desk at my house and all of
a sudden Mike jumps up and says, "oh, i happen to have it.
I saw it and thought i'd bring it over for you". Well,
would you blame me for automatically thinking thats odd??
I also asked mike to bring the shrimp over to her house
from ours and he forgot it......but he can remember that
previously several days before she made a comment about
leaving her grocery list at our house?? ....so basically
im thinking they must of talked on the phone today again.
She probably mentioned it and he probably shoved it in his
pocket while on the phone with her.

Of course that ruined my whole damn night. I talked to
mike about it once we got home. I hated myself as i
scrolled through his phone. Of course he says he didnt
talk to her and that he happened to just see it laying
there and decided to take it. yeah right. We'll see when
i look at the phone records. I hate that i have to wait a
whole freaking month to see her next billing cycle. I want
to say something NOW. I know i need to wait though and i
guess thats my sad attempt to hope the calling will stop at
some point so that i dont have to figure out this mess.
Who am i kidding though.
Do i tell them ive been looking at her bill?? ...and why do
i even care about how that will make me look?? why should i
give a shit after all that they are doing to me? Why am i
so afraid to make waves and ruin everyones weekend away ??
WHY THE HELL AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO GIVES A
SHIT!!!!!!!!

its tuesday. i have to meet them at mcdonalds. I will be
miserable the entire time. I will smile and pretend my
life is grand when in reality i want to scream and
cry and ask why the hell someone would hurt me so damn
much.

i need another cigarette.

***************************************

APRIL 12, 2006

Well, last night at mcdonalds was another nightmare i could
of lived without.

Mike decided he would go to Nikki's PTA meeting while her
and I go to "mcd night" with everyone else. I was actually
glad that he suggested that because i thought it would be
easier than to see the two of them together while i
pretended everything was fine. When i first got there i
was relieved to see the only open seat for me to sit at was
at a different table, which meant i could spend most of my
time listening to kylie without having to talk much.
However, at some point kylie left and boris walked to the
mall ...which left more conversation between shauna and
i ...along with marcia. Its hard to look at her without
hurting and wanting to ask her how she could look at me in
the face without feeling like a shitty friend - so i
finally decided i needed to get going....halfway to the
door Mike comes in. I guess the meeting ended early so he
thought he'd come meet us.
Ok, so maybe im exaggerating...but at this point there have
already been so many lies that i dont know what to think
anymore. I decided to turn my ass around and stay with him
while he ate. I noticed he ate incredibly slow. I noticed
something even more important though. He and shauna did
not say hello to one another and barely looked each others
way. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Yup, they had to have talked on
the phone. There is no other explanation for the way they
were ignoring each other unless mike told her i was upset
again.

As soon as mike finished eating i said it was time to head
home because nik had homework.....as we left nik reminded
us that i promised her a mcflurry to go home with. I
couldnt resist ....it would have ate away at me all night
and how could i be the only one suffering with all of this
bullshit?? why should i be the only one??
I asked. Yes. Again. I cant help it. I needed to know,
even though the answer is always the same.
I asked him if he had talked to shauna on the phone because
i thought it was odd that they barely looked at one another
when normally she would of made a big cheery hello for
him. He was furious!!! He turned around and yelled,
"NO,
i havent talked to her!! now you're just looking for
shit!" I was so embarrassed. He yelled at me in front of the entire restaurant.

How dare he yell at me as though im being ridiculous. Do i
not have a right to question him when all ive been getting
is lie after lie? Ok, so he doesnt know that i know he's
lying, but that is what is upsetting me so much. I have
given him so many opportunities to be honest about all of
this. I have point blank asked him to tell me the truth. I
have told him that if he is lying im finished. I point
blank begged him to tell me the truth. What does he do? He
gets upset as though im becoming annoying. He tells me
that he will come to me and tell me if shauna calls him.
I guess he's forgotten to tell me about all of these times
ive seen calls still coming from her. I suppose they both
laugh about it and think they're sneaky. I suppose shauna
thinks if she calls the house or his work phone that i wont
have a damn clue.

I left mcdonalds upset after he yelled at me. I went for a
drive. I drove for 3 hours while i cried and tried to
figure out what to do next. Do i let it go? Do i pretend
my marriage will be okay when inside im a mess? Do I
confront them with the call logs i have? Do i harbor all of
this hurt and betrayal and hope he finally admits to me all
of the lies? You know...ive thought about it. If he
admitted to me that he's been lying about her calls, and
confessed to me everything i would see that this could be
resolved. Its the lying, the pretending like im the crazy
one for doubting him that is eating at my heart. The fact
that he would continue to talk to her knowing it was
hurting me so much. And if he's willing to risk our entire
marriage for "conversation" with her, why should i not
believe there is more to it than that? Why should i believe
that its not a full blown affair where they meet
regularly. Maybe just as regularly as their
conversations. You know, the ones they're "NOT" having.

I sit here and wonder if they are talking right now..im
obsessed with it. I should be working and instead im doing
this .....my work is being effected and i need to try and
gain control. Mike flies tonite so he's home all day. How
convenient for them.

APRIL 12 2006 PM

I found myself at lunchtime driving by shauna's house. A
routine im getting use to unfortunately. I have to
constantly check now.....i cant drive by her neighborhood
without driving past her street to see if mikes explorer is
sitting in her driveway......then i proceed to drive past
my house to see if he's home like he's suppose to be, or if
her red minivan is in my drive. How pathetic is this? I
cant help it..i cant get it out of my mind and i would
rather spend my whole lunch hour making sure they arent
together then to be left wondering if they are. I made a
mistake this time though, as i was driving by my house mike
happened to step out to go to his car. He saw me. I felt
like a complete idiot. I made some excuse about running
home to grab something. I asked where he was
going ...because now i need to always know where he is so
that i can go back to work and concentrate on something
other than his whereabouts. He said he had to go to Remi's
to drop a patch off and then go to work. I said
goodbye...didnt give him much love, because afterall doesnt
he realize inside im yelling and screaming at him still? He
left, and sure enough only moments later i find myself
calling information to get the address to Remi's
alterations. I dont want to do this, but i cant help
myself. Im obsessed and scared and i need to confirm that
he's being honest with me at all times now. Its a horrible
feeling and i hope it goes away soon because i cant live
like this much longer. Sure enough as i go to drive by
Remi's, he's pulling out. Shit. He sees me again. Think
fast sharyn.....what an idiot. I hate myself for this. I
hate him for this.

I never admitted to him that i was following him to be sure
of his whereabouts, but im sure he picked up on my horrible
detective skills. He was polite about it though and didnt
say anything. Either that or he bought my story on wanting
to ask him about what time and where i was suppose to pick
allie up that evening. Anyway, he asked if i would like to
go to lunch. I knew i was suppose to be back at work at
this point....but he didnt know i had just spent my lunch
hour trying to scope out neighborhoods and parking
lots....stopping and turning to chase down any car that
resembled either one of theirs......and i certainly wasnt
going to admit it. Sure, id love to go to lunch. What i
really wanted to do was to see if shauna would call him
while we were together at such an odd time of the work
day. A time she would assume id be at work. HOW PATHETIC
IS THIS? IM GOING INSANE!!!!

We went to subway. I found myself racing to keep up behind
his car so that i could be sure he didnt make any quick
phone calls to tell her not to call him...that i was with
him. When we got to subway, i immediately jumped out first
to go to his car. Smart man...he left his cell phone in
the console. I asked him to unlock the door because i
needed something out of his car.......as soon as i did he
said, "shauna called me today". Ok. hmm. He's beginning
to understand how this works, only...he's suppose to tell
me BEFORE i begin to reach for his phone, Not just when he
realizes im about to find out for myself. Will this ever
end? will this craziness kill us? i dont know, but i also
know a part of me has already been killed anyway.

We talked alot and i apologized for feeling like i needed
to "babysit" him. I also realized that he had turned his
ringer real low after i specifically raised it .....i told
him that he needed to keep his phone on the table. How else
am i suppose to monitor any incoming calls? Pathetic. See
what they have done to me?? I just want to cry. I thought
i was all cried out.....but im not .
He told me that he loved me. I told him that i love him
too. My God, why does love have to hurt so damn much?

**************************************

APRIL 13, 2006

Well last night was interesting. Mike was flying all night
and just as i was getting ready to put nikki to bed the
doorbell rang. Shauna came over and asked if she could
talk to me. Great. I wasnt ready to talk to her but i
guess i wasnt going to have a choice. I told her that i
was just getting ready to put nik to bed, but she said she
would wait. I made sure she waited a long time because i
was hoping she would just tell me she had to go. She
waited patiently though and i realized that i couldnt leave
her downstairs by herself too much longer because no matter
how upset i was with her im too nice to be rude. I already
knew why she came to talk to me...she was probably worried
that her husband would notice the tension between us and
thought she'd better beg for forgiveness before we left on
our trip for the weekend. There have been several times i
wanted to tell boris whats going on, but my God...why would
i want anyone else to feel this pain ive been going
through? I would love for her to deal with the same pain
and feelings of her marriage being torn apart like she has
done to mine, but not at the expense of boris' feelings. Im
surprised she felt compelled to make things right before
our trip. She should know im too damn nice to hurt her
like she has done to me.

We talked for hours. Im going all day on only 3 hours of
sleep. Im exhausted mentally and physically but its
probably for the best that i got some of my feelings out.
I think i was probably still too forgiving, but i suppose i
cant change anything thats happened between them.
At first i thought i was going to yell and scream. It was
smart of her to come and talk when she knew my children
would be home. Of course she knew i couldnt raise my voice
without them wondering what was going on. That shauna is a
smart woman. I considered telling her that i wasnt ready to
talk to her.....but instead i listened. Basically she said
she was sorry. She didnt have answers for me. She doesnt
know why she continued to call mike when i asked her not to
the first time. She said she "needed someone to talk to"
and then started crying about how all her friends come to
her with all their problems, and that she needed to go to
someone too. I sat there and listened, but i still feel
that was a lame excuse. I wanted to say "bullshit". She
may of called mike to whine and bitch a few times, but
surely not every day, all day long. See...thats what
upsets me about all this crap. Its lie after lie that
bothers me. Is that the best you can do? Why not just
admit that you were bonding with my husband and
hoped eventually it would turn into a secret love affair?
Im not freaking stupid and the tears for sympathy was a
poor attempt of a role reversal. So while im
sitting there listening to her lame reason for her
betrayal, what do i do? I find myself telling her that IM
sorry for not being there to talk to when she needed a
friend. Whoa....what?? Why the hell do i let people turn
shit around as though im the one who was the cause of their
fuck up? I didnt know how to react. As she continued to
blabber on about how she "just needed a friend to talk to"
i thought i shouldnt let her get out of this too easy
because no matter what im still the one who was betrayed. I
finally grew a little bit of a backbone and said, "im sorry
you needed a friend to talk to shauna, but do you realize
you were willing to jeopardize my marriage and our
friendship to do it??" Now I guess i expected her to say
she was stupid and maybe apologize again....but no, instead
she says, "well, do you really think your marriage was okay
anyway??"
ok, now this struck a nerve!!!! So was she saying
that
just because i complain and moan sometimes about things that i
was giving her permission to totally mess up my life
because it wasnt that great anyway?????? It took all of me
to keep my composure. I replied with a simple, "yes
shauna...my marriage was okay and i was happy". I couldnt
believe thats how she was thinking. See....i guess thats
why im so upset with her...even still...even after she
apologized. I dont think her tears or her apology were
genuine. I dont expect her to get all dramatic and throw
herself at my mercy for forgiveness, but i do expect a
genuine sincere heartfelt sorrow for the pain she has
caused me. I dont feel that from her. I honestly feel as
though she just wanted to smooth things out so that we can
go on and pretend as though nothing happened so that her
weekend wasnt ruined. Isnt that easier? Hell, she
wasnt the one who was hurt..and as long as boris doesnt
know about it then shes okay. Thats fine, ill play that
game, but i had this same conversation with her recently
and i fell for it the first time. Of course nothing
changed, she just found other ways to be sneaky about it.
I found myself replaying the conversation we had in march
in my mind while she babbled on. The same promises, the
same tears, the same "our friendship is so important to me
sharyn" ...blah blah blah.

At some point in the conversation i tell her that i will
try my best to deal with this but that what they did hurt
me very much. I told her that i didnt understand why she
would continue to call mike when i specifically asked her
not to ....once from me, and then after she continued i
asked mike to tell her AGAIN a second time ....yet she
STILL continued. Thats the part that hurts....again and
again and again i have to ask them to stop. I asked her if
mike told her to stop calling, she said yes he did. I
said, "then why didnt you stop shauna??" ....no answers.
Ill tell you why it continued. It continued because they
thought i wouldnt find out. THATS THE PART THAT
HURTS!!!!!
I asked her if they ever talked about how hurt and upset i
would be, or boris would be if we found out they were
talking. She said yes, they did talk about it. I asked
her why she felt the need to call him so often ...she
said, "we didnt talk as much as you think we did
sharyn" ....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Thats right,
another fucking lie because she only thinks i know about
the calls on Mikes cell bill. Damn liar doesnt know i
see hers too. I wanted soooooooo badly to tell her, just
so that i could prove to her that she was still lying.....just like mike is when he says that. I almost
told her. I looked her right in the eye and said, "I know
you are talking to mike every day...all day. I know it for
a FACT". I said the same thing to mike the previous day
when i almost told him about my proof too. Im so glad i
didnt tell them because if i do i know i will lose access
into her billing and then ill always be left to wonder. I
just want and pray to have peace and closure to this and i
wont have it until i know for sure they arent calling each
other anymore. I know its wrong, but i feel they have left
me no other choice since they have lied and continue to lie.
Maybe im wrong this time, i hope and pray i am.

***************************************

APRIL 26, 2006

Well, its been awhile since ive written. Mike had to go
out of town for NCO training. He's only 1 hour away so he
will try to come home on the weekends. He came home this
past weekend and we enjoyed his visit home.

Not much has been happening. Everything has pretty much
mellowed out and our weekend away with Shauna and Boris
went fine. The kids had fun and i warned shauna before we
left for the trip to please keep the flirting with my man
to a minimum because allie was bringing a girlfriend on the
trip and i didnt want to embarrass her in anyway ...just
because she's weird doesnt mean everyone has to know it.
Shauna was fine and kept her hands to herself. I think for
sure she doesnt want to rock the boat anymore than she
already has. As a matter of fact, im hoping and thinking
that she's not calling Mike anymore as promised. I know
there were a few times she had to call him ....but it was
only a few times and it was during times i was with him.
I'll have to remember that when i look to see if any calls
have been made to him. Ive also made sure to get his hotel
phone number....it would be really easy for her to call him
while he's out of town for 2 months. Im sure she will be
too smart to call his cell phone. We'll see i guess.
*sighs*

***************************************

MAY 3, 2006

Well, i thought everything was getting better but then
reality slapped me in the face again yesterday.
I had a great day at work and i was suppose to meet my
friends at Mr.Gatti's for a birthday party. Right before i
left the office i called shauna to see if she could swing
by my house to pick up my oldest daughter. We talked and
everything was fine until i asked her how her day went. She
said it was ok, that she went to see a therapist. I
said, "a therapist? why??" She said, "you know all thats
been going on and stuff"...."what do you mean? whats been
going on?" ....her response: "i cant stop thinking about
Mike".

My face dropped. Here we go again.

Why the HELL would she tell me this?? Why the hell does she
feel so comfortable fucking my world up? I told her it was
hard for me to hear that and i asked her if boris knows she
went to see a therapist. yes, he knows and apparently she
told him why too. Great....no wonder he wanted to spend
last weekend alone with shauna without us. He probably
hates mike and im not sure i would blame him,
afterall im beginning to feel pretty ill of her too. Im
still not sure why she told me this. Is she intentionally
trying to rub salt in the wound?

At first i wasnt going to tell mike about this...i actually
didnt want to flatter him with the idea that she couldnt
control her thoughts of him. What good would that do? Hurt
me more? Hell at this point i dont think the two of them
mind. Anyway, i couldnt help it. When i talked to him on
the phone i told him. Im still not sure whats worse, her
twisting the knife, or him holding it for her when shes
done. When i asked him why the hell she would tell me this
he tells me that she probably needed to tell me so that she
would feel better. To help her heal .... of course, this
is all about her. Havent i already made this easy enough
for her? Havent i already MANY times now let this blow
over ..to help HER heal? So why the hell does she keep
twisting the knife???

I told mike that im not sure i want to continue our
friendship with them. Its not worth it anymore, too much
hurt and betrayal and pain. He seemed devastated ...he
said, "but they have been the best friends we've ever
had" ......ah, Hello. Excuse me?? Im sorry but no friend
of mine, let alone BEST friend has ever done anything like
this to me. Yeah, the bestest friend we've ever had.
Apparently someone forgot to tell mike what a true friend
is. Now dont get me wrong, i do agree that before all of
this they were the bestest friends we've ever had. Of
course Shauna had to screw that all up though. I asked mike
if he were to take this entire situation and reverse it, if
he would then feel the same way? Imagine mike finding out
that boris was calling me all day, every day...and that
boris had to seek help because he couldnt get me out of his
mind.......would mike be taking this as well as i am?
Would he still then consider boris to be his best friend?
Would he still want to hang out with them all the time
knowing this? of course not. SO WHY THE HELL DO THEY EXPECT
ME TO ???? ...oh thats right, because it will help SHAUNA
heal.

I told mike that i need to see a therapist too, just like
she is. I told him that i really needed to do that to help
ME heal. I asked him if he would go with me, that we need
this. His response was "you mean now? i have too much going
on already...this class, when i get done with class i have
upgrading to do at work, the house, ect."

well excuse the hell out of me, ill try to plan the
collapse of our marriage when its more convenient for you.
Which by the way , YOU caused.

To Hell with them both.

**************************************

MAY 3, 2006

I was feeling so down and my heart hurt so much today with
thoughts of everything going on and wondering how this was
going to effect my marriage. After i got off work i kept
trying to call mike but i couldnt reach him at his hotel or
on his cell phone. I really needed to hear his voice to
sort of ease my heart some. After not being able to reach
him several times i kept wondering if he was talking to her
and just not taking my call. I know that sounds crazy but
at this point i cant help but let my mind wander. I
realized that she hadnt called me all day ...which is very
unusual. I let my imagination go crazy and the more i had
time to think, the more i hurt inside. ...But then he
called. He wanted to know where i was and i told him that
i ran to the store....he asked me when i would be home and
i told him in just a minute. Well...he said to hurry
because he was pulling up in the driveway to see me!!! I

was soooooo excited! I could not have been more surprised
and i immediately felt a huge wave of love ...love that i
was desperately needing and craving. He only had 2 hours
to spend at home and then he had to go back to goodfellow
afb before they would notice him missing in action. So the
girls and i got to have dinner with him and that was
it...but damn i needed it. Mike made my heart happy.
Literally. I felt the ache go away because he sensed that
i needed him and he came to me. I love mike so much and
his long trip home just to have dinner with me was exactly
what i needed to know that he loves me too. I wish so much
that we could have made love....wish so much that he could
have stayed the night so that i could feel him next to
me...but i know he couldnt and i was happy with what he
could give. I went to sleep happy and I needed that.

p.s. i still find it odd that i never heard from shauna
though...did she know he was coming? did they talk and she
didnt want to interupt his visit? ..are they still talking
afterall? Did they actually spend time together making love before he came home to have dinner with me and the girls? ...why cant i trust? why does my gut question
everything now and how long will this last??

***************************************

MAY 7, 2006

Mike came home for a little bit. It was so nice to have him
home, even if for only a short time. Last night we had
dinner and played games with THEM. Its still so hard for
me to have fun and not think of everything thats happened
between them. I tried so hard though...i want so much for
everything to be the way it was. I find myself still
struggling with the trust issue. For instance, after mike
left early today i ran to run some errands. When i got
back to my car i noticed that both of them had tried to
call me. Naturally, i called mike back first. While i was
on the phone with him i could hear his hotel phone ringing
in the background.(6:30-7:00) I didnt think much of it at
first but
when he stopped talking to answer it i noticed that i
couldnt hear anything...not a sound. Almost as if he put
his cell phone on mute so that i intentionally could not
hear. The red flag automatically flew up. Why would he
not want me to hear his call? ah hah....maybe he was
worried it would be HER. He got off the phone so fast and
came back to me. I tried so hard to push this thought out
of my head but i had to at least ask him who was calling.
The only reason i thought i could get away with asking him
is because it was weird. It would ring...then stop...then
ring...then stop...then , oh shit..i know this is crazy but
i just realized something. Before mike went away to this
academy i told him that i did NOT want him using his hotel
phone. I said that under no circumstances i wanted him to
because i was afraid she would try to call him there. I
also told him that i would test him and call it from time
to time just to make sure he wouldnt answer it. Now i cant
help but wonder if they planned a system ...so that he
would know it was her calling. Anyway, naturally im
thinking it must of been her, so i asked and he said it was
one of the guys wanting to see if they could all meet to
study. Sounds weird to me but what am i suppose to
say? ...anyway, i get off the phone and while im sitting in
the parking lot trying to control my crazy ideas, i decide
to call shauna back. Of course she doesnt answer her cell
phone so i called her house. Boris answered and said that
she wasnt home (of course not, how else could she call
mike?) He said he just talked to her a few minutes ago and
that she had her cell phone. ...funny, shes not answering
it. I wonder why??? I know why....because shes probably
talking to my husband. I decide to call the hotel
phone....sure enough, its busy and automatically goes to
the guest voicemail. Weird, hes on the phone...why does
this not surprise me? I wait a few minutes and call
again....voicemail again. ok, i decide ill call his cell
phone. I know he'll answer it because he'll feel obligated
to. I make up some cheesy excuse and tell him i forgot to
ask him something. I realize he probably has her on the
hotel phone but i slowly make conversation anyway to see if
he tries to rush me off. I finally ask him why his hotel
phone was busy when i tried it , he said he was on the
phone with one of the guys again. Now NORMALLY i would
believe this....but my heart instantly begins to hurt. It
hurts because i think he is lying again. If he's lying
again my life will never be the same. If he's lying again
i will lose my marriage forever and i hurt so freaking much
at the thought of this. Please Dear God, dont let him be
lying and help me to get through this. Help me to trust him
again because i so desperately need to be at peace with
this and move on.

***************************************

MAY 8, 2006

All last night my heart hurt so bad....i called mike and
while we were talking i mentioned to him my fears of him
and shauna talking. He assured me that he wasnt and he
promised me again that he would tell me if she called him.
I told him how sorry i was for hanging onto this and
promised him i would get over it soon, that i just needed
time. He told me that it was his own fault and that i
should take all the time i needed. It felt so good to talk
to him because he said what i needed to hear.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I want so much to be
finished with this and each time i try something else
happens to make me question everything. Im so afraid that
i will have to follow through with ending it all if i find
out they are still talking. Im overwhelmed with this fear.

I will find out today if she has been calling him. Her new
cell phone bill should be posted today for the month of
april and the first week of may. Im so scared to look, but
i know i have to.

Dear God please show me that i can trust them again. Show
me that our marriage means something to him.

**************************************

MAY 9, 2006

Another sleepless night for me. I cant help but constantly
wonder what the future holds for my marriage and my family.
I cry at the thought of having to end it all, but i also
know at the same time i cannot continue to allow to be hurt
over and over again. I can no longer trust my husband and
unless that changes, it will never work.
I still wont know for sure until i can get a new billing
posted on her phone bill. I find myself checking often but
so far the current billing isnt showing up. In the
meantime, i cant work...and i need to focus. The last
thing i want is to lose my family AND my job.

I spent all night thinking in bed last night. How would i
react if they are still talking? Will i scream and show
all the rage im feeling inside towards them? Or will i be
so devastated and broken that i will only be able to simply
cry and allow them to fill my head with more empty
promises? I have no clue ..and im scared to death that ill
have to find out. I prayed so hard last night....i pray
that this nightmare will be over and ill look on that bill
and see that the calling has stopped so that i can rebuild
my trust in them again. That is what will help me heal
right now. Anything else will completely destroy me. I
feel like im being tortured slowly while i wait and see
what her call logs will show. I have never in my life felt
so helpless and its killing me. THEY are killing me.

Is their relationship worth this pain they cause? Would
they both be willing to lose friendship and marriage and
all the wonderful things that come with it ....for what
they have? Thats what hurts me so much. To know that they
might risk all of that...for what?? If i left mike would
shauna risk her own marriage for him , the way he is for
her? Does she even have a damn clue of the consequences
that he would face if she has continued to call him? Can
she be any more selfish than i have witnessed her to be?
Does she think that her desire to "talk" to him outweigh
his desire to be a husband and father? Im blown away at the
thought of this. Ive made it very simple for him
though....all he has to do is tell me that she has called
him and only a friendship would be ruined. If he chooses
not to tell me, then i will know that his desire to "talk"
to her is just as strong as hers. Therefore, that pretty
much leaves me out.

The thought of that shreds my heart to pieces.

Please Dear God show me that this wont be. Give me a
reason to rebuild our love and show me that he can be
trusted. I need this more than anything right now.

**************************************

MAY 9, 2006

Her phone bill was posted. Im sick to my stomach.
I have so much racing through my mind...so many things i
want to say but it changes from hurt to anger within
moments. Im so scared of what happens now. My marriage
has completely ended in just a matter of moments of
reading what was already so obvious, yet i still sit here
frozen and torn.

Now what? Do i say something to them? do i call mike while
he's concentrating on school and interupt his studies? Do
i dare face her and pretend as though i dont know while
deep inside my heart screams at her? What about the
children? Do i prepare them in any way of the divorce that
is to come? Where do i go? Do i stay here so that mike can
see them? Do i go to family who will help me support them
on my own? Do i call the builders and try to get out of
the house that we were suppose to live in as a family? Do
i stay here only because it will be convenient for
mike...and then what? move everytime he gets orders??
Havent i been the one who's suffered enough? Why do i
care if i stress him out while he's in school? What about
me and the stress im having to face alone????? Why is
this so complicated?? was it worth it?? Do they love each
other?? Is this what they hoped for?
What about boris? will this break his heart? will he ever
find out? will she hurt and suffer through divorce like i
will? Doesnt she deserve to feel the same pain i feel?

WAS IT WORTH IT?????????????????????????

i cant handle this pain

***************************************

MAY 10, 2006

Im dying a slow painful death and i dont know how to deal
with it. It's taking all of me to function. I cant eat or
sleep and all i can do is cry and vomit.

i talked to mike, he knows its over.

My heart hurts so freaking much but i dont know what else
to do. I need to figure out what to do next but im still
numb.

my finger feels so naked without my wedding band.

17 years ....gone.

*************************************

MAY 11, 2006

Mike called me last night. Allie was next to me when it rang and i felt compelled to answer it. I dont want the girls to know whats going on. I remember the pain and the trauma I went through as a girl and i cant bear for them to go through that. I was calm and I probably even seemed forgiving...which i regret because im tired of making this easy for THEM. I want so much to pretend that everything will be ok but it wont be and i know that deep in my heart nothing will ever be the same again. The last 4 times i spared my own feelings of pain so that i could make it easy for them and what did that get me??? Only more heartache and more pain. I forgave them over and over again and it was like handing them a permission slip to go another round each time. I cant go any more rounds..im finished. She won. Im tired of hurting and this hurt will not go away. I will not pretend everything will be ok anymore. I tried that and it didnt disappear like i had hoped and prayed.

Mike emailed me and said he understands what pain in the heart feels like now, but does he? Has he felt it for months now as i have? Does he even have a clue what it feels like to have your heart hurt every damn day month after month? Does he realize that 1 day of wondering whats going to happen to your family is nothing compared to 3 months of it? Its pure hell.

When i talked to him he said that he wanted to come home this weekend. I have mixed emotions. Of course i want to see him, of course i want to talk about this....but can i handle more empty promises? Will all be forgiven again just because i want so desperately to move on and pretend this never happened? Can i do that AGAIN?? I dont think i can.

***************************************

MAY 12, 2006

I sit and wonder all day if she's trying to call him. I'll never know anymore, she changed her password. Now all ill ever have is his word to go by and i already know how far that got me before. Not sure it matters anymore anyway. Let her have him. She talks about how she refuses to lose and cant stand not winning.....well take him you bitch, he's yours.

***************************************

MAY 12, 2006

Ok, i didnt mean that. I mean, i dont know what or how to deal with this i guess. One minute im falling apart trying to figure out how to trust and love again and the next minute im full of rage and anger and want to get on the next plane to ohio with the girls. Im an emotional rollercoaster and its probably a good idea i not see him for awhile. There's no point in torturing him with hope if im only going to take it away with each swing of emotion. I just need time to think. Im exhausted from this all and my heart is hurting.

***************************************

I just read our phone bill...im mad again. I just dont think ill ever get over the deception and the way they snuck around to do this knowing how much my heart was hurting. It didnt matter to them, it meant NOTHING. My pain, heartache, friendship and marriage wasnt enough to keep them from one another SO WHY THE HELL SHOULD I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEIR PAIN NOW!!!!!!!!!

Its too late now. I tried, i really did try. He should of thought about the consequences each time i reminded him of what they were. Each time he picked up the phone to call her or see her when she called. he should of thought about it then. They were never sorry...only sorry they were caught AGAIN. Its not my fault they were stupid. He made his choice now he can live with it.

I was the fool....im not playing that part again.

****************************************

MAY 12 PM

Im missing him so much.

I want so much for this to work. I cant help but wonder if he just wants it to because it would be more convenient. Is he just trying to avoid starting over, or preventing the girls from having to deal with a divorce...or is he worried that if we split it would cause embarrassment, or that he would have to be apart from his children?

Our whole marriage i questioned his love for me and i dont want to do that anymore. I just want to know that he does. How do i know??? All of this has only amplified my fear of thinking he settled when he married me. He knows i've always struggled with that, why would he confirm those thoughts in my mind if it werent true?

I want so much to be together, forever...like its suppose to be. But is that enough? Is it enough to make it work if only one of us wants it for the right reasons?

Will he always compare me to her? Will i be able to laugh with him on the phone now without thinking of her and wondering if i make him smile as much as she did? Isnt that what he enjoys aboutt her? When we make love will i be able to without wondering if he's wishing he was with her? Will i be tormented with the constant questioning i know i will have running through my head. Will i be loving one moment and bitter the next like my emotions seem to be doing now...forever? Is that really fair to him? If i forgive him arent i suppose to completely forgive and forget? Can i forget?

Im so confused. I just want so much to talk to him and beg him to come home but i dont know how my emotions will be from one moment to the next right now. I want to call him but im afraid. I dont know what to say and im afraid he'll get tired of the questions i still have. Im afraid to know if he's talked to her again tonite but i need to know too. I need him to tell me without me having to ask and i dont think we've reached that. I still think he will withhold that unless i ask....and even then im still not sure of an honest answer. I need to feel like we're on the same team. I want so much to make this work but i need to feel that to begin to rebuild the trust.

I need to call him. I need him to know that through all of this i still love him. I'll always love him. I just need the same in return. Is that asking too much?

**************************************

Mike came home this weekend. I called him and told him that if he wanted this to work that i would try. He thanked me for giving him another chance and promised not to let me down ever again. I know he is sincere but my guard is still up because im in protection mode. I want so much to believe him this time ...but i wanted it just as much the last few times too and im afraid ME wanting something isnt enough..so im not sure how to respond. I do know that the past 17 years is worth fighting for though and i intend to give it one more go. I think in time I will know if it was worth it. For now i think it is and if he fails me again i will at least walk away with my tattered heart knowing there was nothing more i could have done. He either loves me, or he doesnt. I guess i'll find out.

Here we go again.....

***************************************

MAY 16, 2006

Ive been trying so hard to let this go but i cant. Im hurting so bad again today. I guess i cant get past this anger and really need some therapy. Mike has been very patient and trying to answer all of my questions as i think of them but for some reason today im feeling the pain all over again. I guess when i sit and think about things i get mad and hurt and i wonder if im too forgiving.

I just want this pain to go away.

***************************************

MAY 17, 2006

I wrote her a letter today. I dont know why but for some reason i needed to.

The Letter:

i just want you to know how fucking much i hurt. do you care?? do you FUCKING CARE!!!!!

MIKE AND I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME BECAUSE OF YOU.
I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME BECAUSE OF YOU.

YOU FUCKED MY WORLD UP AND I HATE YOU FOR IT

I FUCKING CRY ALL DAY EVERY DAY FOR MONTHS BECAUSE OF YOUR FUCKING BETRAYAL. YOU WERE NEVER A FRIEND TO ME. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURTS???? I WANTED SO MUCH TO BELIEVE I WAS WRONG AND MONTH AFTER MONTH IT WAS LIKE THE BOTH OF YOU STABBING ME IN THE FUCKING HEART OVER AND OVER AGAIN. LIES....MORE LIES AND PROMISES. THATS ALL I GOT AND IT MADE MY FUCKING STOMACH SICK, YET I WOULD STILL HANG ON TO HOPE. FOR 4 FUCKING MONTHS I HUNG ON TO LIES AND I KEPT BELIEVING BECAUSE I WANTED IT SO FUCKING BAD!!

I WAS A FUCKING FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I BET THE TWO OF YOU LAUGHED ABOUT IT.....I BET YOU BOTH CALLED ME A FUCKING FOOL AND GIGGLED AS YOU TALKED FOR HOURS ON THE PHONE.

I TRIED SO HARD TO TRUST. I PRAYED LIKE I NEVER PRAYED BEFORE HOPING YOU WOULD BOTH GIVE ME REASON TO TRUST AGAIN......HOPING IT WOULD GO AWAY BUT EVERY FUCKING MONTH I WAS FACED WITH MORE LIES AND MORE BETRAYAL AND I HATE YOU FOR IT BECAUSE ALL I WANTED WAS A FRIEND AND A HUSBAND WHO FELT ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO STOP KILLING ME. I WAS WILLING TO LET IT GO EACH TIME BECAUSE I WANTED SO DESPERATELY TO BELIEVE IT WOULD GO AWAY......BUT IT DIDNT!!!!!!!! BECAUSE THE BOTH OF YOU DIDNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME OR MY PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ME TO WATCH YOU LIE TO MY FACE??? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO LOOK AT MIKE AND KNOW THAT HE FUCKING RUINED OUR LIFE .........FOR YOU????????????????????

WHAT THE FUCK FOR SHAUNA???? WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM HIM? LOVE?????? DO YOU LOVE HIM SHAUNA????? DOES HE LOVE YOU????????? HE SAYS HE DOESNT BUT I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS ANYMORE!!!!!

I WANTED SO MUCH TO HURT YOU BACK SO THAT YOU COULD FEEL A FRACTION OF THIS PAIN IN HOPE MINE WOULD GO AWAY....BUT IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY . NOTHING I CAN DO TO HURT YOU BACK WILL EVER MAKE THIS GO AWAY

HOW WAS I SUPPOSE TO REACT WHEN YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU HAD TO SEE A THERAPIST BECAUSE YOU CANT STOP THINKING OF MY HUSBAND?? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN TELL ME THAT??? DID YOU LOVE TO SEE ME SUFFER?? ....DID YOU GET SOME SORT OF PLEASURE OUT OF TEARING MY HEART TO SHREDS???? WAS I SUPPOSE TO BE FLATTERED THAT YOU COULDNT GET MY FUCKING HUSBAND OUT OF YOUR HEAD??

WHY DID YOU TELL MIKE THAT I TOLD YOU THAT I WANTED TO DIVORCE HIM ?? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?? .....DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN I QUESTIONED WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD LEAVE HIM LAST YEAR? IT WAS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE HE DIDNT LOVE ME AND I WONDERED WHY I WAS IN A MARRIAGE WHERE I DIDNT FEEL LOVED. DID YOU TELL HIM THAT PART SHAUNA?? DO YOU THINK I SHOULD HAVE REASON TO FEEL MORE LOVE FROM HIM NOW THEN I DID BACK THEN?? IS THIS HOW YOU TEAR A FUCKING MARRIAGE APART?? DID YOU TELL HIM THAT SO THAT HE COULD FEEL BETTER ABOUT TALKING TO YOU , OR WAS THAT FOR YOUR CONSCIENCE??? DID YOU EVEN FEEL GUILT? I IMAGINE NOT..........BECAUSE YOUR SELFISH AND ITS ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!! THATS ALL ITS EVER ABOUT.

YOU DONT DESERVE A REAL FRIEND........AND YOU DONT DESERVE BORIS EITHER.

AFTER LAST TUESDAY YOU STILL CONTINUED TO TRY AND CALL MIKE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU HAVENT DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE SHAUNA??

DONT REPLY TO THIS......I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY. I JUST NEEDED TO LET SOME OF MY ANGER AND PAIN OUT AND I THOUGHT YOU DESERVED TO HEAR SOME OF IT. I DONT EXPECT YOU TO FEEL THE PAIN YOU'VE CAUSED .........I REALIZE NOW THAT ITS NOT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO GIVE A SHIT. MY TEARS AND MY HEARTACHE MEANT NOTHING TO YOU THE PREVIOUS TIMES THAT I BEGGED FOR YOU TO STOP HURTING ME AND I CERTAINLY DONT EXPECT THEM TO MEAN ANYTHING NOW.

I JUST THOUGHT FOR THE RECORD YOU WOULD FEEL GOOD KNOWING YOU WON...........I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THAT IS TO YOU.

YOU SET OUT TO HURT ME , AND FOR THE FUCKING LIFE OF ME I DONT KNOW WHY......BUT YOU WON.

**************************************

MAY 18, 2006

I wanted to go to bed early tonite but i find myself another sleepless night. I cant help but wonder if they are on the phone. I realize that i may never get over this because i dont know if i'll ever trust again. The thought of this eats at me. Are they sleeping? Or have they found another way to communicate?

Is it unrealistic for me to think im being lied to, yet again? How will i know? Why should i strictly rely on his word when there is no weight to carry itself in it? Am i being the fool again....when i swore to myself that i wouldnt?? Im not sure why i would put myself through something that has already caused me so much pain.

Mike comes home tomorrow ...i hope i will enjoy seeing him for the right reasons. Im still not sure if its just relief in knowing they cant talk as long as he's by my side, or if i truly feel his remorse this time. I will never be happy and secure in this marriage if thats the only reason i want him near me. Im still not sure i can make love to him and i dont even want to try in fear of having to either stop midway, or continue on with it while im crying inside. I just want this to be better, and God knows im trying but im not sure i can handle too many more nights of no sleep because im wondering if they are still talking. I've read some of my old posts in this diary and i realize that ive had this conversation with myself so many times now only to be fooled again......yet here i am wanting to trust again. Am i trusting too easily?? Is that what has allowed them to continue to lie so easily to me? Do they know how naive and gullable i am to their betrayal? Am i naive and gullable to it? ..or is it just easier to believe soley because its what i want and need to believe to hold my heart together?

Someone stepped in front of the train today. We all thought it was suicide...everyone kept saying, "how could someone be so depressed that they would step in front of a train?" ....i thought to myself how easily i could see that. Apparently they dont know what it feels like to hurt that fucking much. I do. When something hurts you over and over and over again and you cant see the cycle ending you know that might be the only way to stop it. Its what it feels like to be totally desperate and helpless. Its knowing you have no control of the pain that is brought upon you and the only way you know how to is by something devastating. like divorce, or standing in front of a train. Its your way of showing someone how much pain you feel in your heart and how maybe then they would understand how much it truly hurt you because telling them wasnt ever enough.

I see a therapist next week. I hope and pray i will begin to heal. This marriage is going to make it or not and I want to be prepared for whatever that happens to be. Mike said he would go too...not sure if he wants to hear what i have to say though. Even after all the hurt and pain he is causing me, im not sure i could let him hear all the hate i have inside of me for them right now. Thats what love is. Love is doing all that you can NOT to hurt someone. Im not sure either one of them understand that.

*************************************** MAY 20, 2006

Mike came home for the weekend. This day was suppose to be wonderful, full of promises of our future and forgiveness and it was ruined. Im devastated once again. This morning as mike got out of bed to make coffee i layed there wondering if we were going to make it. As i lay there thinking i noticed his wallet was on the bedside table. I have never felt the need to look through his things before , but things are different now and i couldnt help myself. He came back into the bedroom to see me sifting through his things but i didnt care. Sure enough, i see a folded yellow piece of paper that revealed an email address. It said: [email protected] instantly felt a wave of hurt and pain all over again. I think it comes harder each time now. The pain is so intense i can hardly stand it anymore and i feel like im losing this fight.

Immediately mike insists its old. Does he not realize this pain he causes? The email address she was using is his favorite female name, and MY last name. I wanted to throw up , i could not believe my eyes. It is bad enough that she continues to contact my husband, but to take MY FUCKING NAME!!!!!! I cant even finish writing this because im so sick at the thought. ..more later.

MAY 30, 2006

Ok so I havent gotten back to my last posting and i just assume drop it but it will forever hurt my heart. Basically she has found another way to drive a knife through me. Taking my name was the ultimate form of betrayal from anyone i could imagine, no less a friend. A BEST friend. Nope...no best friend would ever do that.

I have since talked to her and im not sure how to feel about everything. Obviously i lost a friend throughout this and it hurts ...and i want so much to go back in time so that we could still be friends, but thats not possible so i know that it will probably never be. I dont think she understands why im so full of anger. I am angry because she risked our friendship and mike risked our marriage. They both put something so valuable on the line and because of that we have all lost it all. Now she makes it seem as though im suppose to let it go and be friends again. Is it that simple? Didnt i give them plenty of opportunity to avoid all of this?? How come it wasnt important to them then? Now she wants forgiveness....but does she really even know what she has done wrong? When I talked to her last week she was very ugly to me and made it appear as though this was all about some issues i was having...she actually had the nerve to blame this on my weight and my work. For the life of me i still cant understand where that comes from. Sure i bitch about my weight and work sometimes, isnt that what friends do?? ....no dear shauna...this has NOTHING to do with that. This is about a friend calling my husband and emailing him behind my back while looking at me straight in the face and lying to me about it. This is about a woman pursuing my husband and continuing to do so after i had asked numerous times to stop...and then forcing him to lie about it to avoid breaking a friendship up. Now im not making it seem as though he's innocent, but at least he acknowledges his wrong doing. She is either in denial, or thinks if she pretends this is about something else that maybe her conscience can handle it better. So she fucked up....why is it that she cant just hold herself accountable for this? Does she really have to apologize by saying, "i wasnt there when you needed a friend the most" ...when i needed a friend the most? what the hell does that mean? I swear i still think she thinks this is about something else. Excuse me...hello? Would i need a friend the most ..at all?? if she werent stabbing me in the back? ..you tell people you're sorry you werent there for them when they needed a friend when someone ELSE hurt your friend, not when you are the one doing the freaking hurting.

This is getting so old. Im glad shes leaving for the summer.

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- April 11,2006 thru May 30, 2006

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