purehell's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mike is "Home" Mike is home from Iraq now. It was so hard to see him get off the plane during their homecoming and not want to run up to him and kiss him. I controlled myself though and wouldnt allow myself to be weak. I am weak though and i struggle with so many emotions when i am near him. He came to the house with us after we went through the briefings. I told him he can have dinner with us at the house so that he could visit with the girls and have time to pack some of his clothes. We ended up early so we actually shared lunch and dinner together. Between lunch and dinner we played board games with the girls. It was so nice to have him home, and i considered telling him just to stay home...but i knew i couldnt. After dinner we all watched a movie and he asked if he could stay long enough for Nikki to fall asleep. We have told nikki that he wouldnt be staying with us. We came up with the idea of telling her that he still had to work, and that he had to stay on base because he was "on call". She didnt quite understand that, and she said that Alyssa mentioned that he had 2 weeks off, so why did daddy have to leave?? It was heartwrenching and i could tell it hurt him when she began asking questions. I understood why he wanted to wait until she fell asleep before leaving for his hotel. The next morning she woke up running all through the house and in the backyard....."where's daddy??" ...it broke my heart. The next night he took the girls to dinner and asked if he could take Nikki to gymnastics. Of course i said yes, but it broke my heart. I have never felt so alone and so excluded. I ate half a sandwich by myself for dinner and tried to occupy my time by going to a friends house until i knew they would be back. I feel like im still being punished for something i didnt do and it hurts so bad. Mike is saying all the right things to me. He is telling me that he loves me and that he has no desire to see or talk to shauna ever again.....but is that true? I still dont believe him. I WANT to so bad but i have learned that WANTING something and KNOWING something are two seperate things. I noticed that shauna finally took her myspace profile off of private, i imagine its so Mike can look at it now that he's home. Im sure she did that for him. I know how shauna works and if Mike hasnt changed then i imagine he probably will look at it, if he misses her he will want to, im sure. Im so certain that is what she is hoping for. She has kept the same profile page for a long time now. It says, "Tell me what we got, tell me its alot, tell me its the Real thing" See how i must live?? Always assuming and wondering. This MUST go away before I can heal. Sometimes i feel like i will never heal. As long as i wonder and question everything, Mike and I cannot be together. When will this go away? I want so much for my life to be what it was. Every day i wake up and promise myself that I will push aside any of these thoughts that enter my head, but it wont go away. Maybe Mike and I will never heal from this deception and betrayal. Maybe it will haunt me for the rest of my life. God, please take this away. ***************************************SCROLL UP AND CLICK ON THE ARCHIVES (IN RED) TO READ MORE POSTINGS FOR THIS DIARY. POSTINGS ARE LISTED FROM NEWEST TO OLDEST AND MUST BE READ FROM BOTTOM OF ARCHIVE LIST ON UP TO READ IN ORDER. 6:24 a.m. - June 22, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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